the element of time

before Mongolia I was almost always early or on time for things.

Class? You better believe I showed up early and claimed "my" desk.

Work? Always tried to be there at least 5 minutes early if not earlier.

Meetings? Early.

Outings with friends? I was the one mentally calculating the possible-traffic cushion necessary and trying to leave in time for that possibility.

I was timely. I was rarely panicked about being late because I made a massive effort to always be on time.

now I feel like I am always, constantly running behind.

I think part of it is just readjustment. I think the other part of it is the strong sense that timeliness is expected again.

In Mongolia, no one cared if I showed up early or on time or late. They were just impressed I showed up and was planning on actually teaching. Points for me!

Here, culture dictates that timeliness is valued and necessary.

I am finding this very stressful. And I think it's part of why I feel like I'm always late, even though I rarely am actually late.

All of a sudden I know that there are 5 other people waiting for me to show up at a certain time and noticing if I don't and WHOA that expectation is kind of messing with my post-Mongolia brain.

Hol and I used to joke that whenever we were on time for things in UB that everyone else would be really late, but whenever we let ourselves let go of that ingrained sense of timeliness that everyone else would get a secret text message to show up on time, and then inevitably call us and ask us where we were as we started hurrying to our destination (I cannot even tell you how many times this exact scenario played itself out).

The same thing is happening here in the States, except now I am always the one not really paying attention to time and then running out the door in a frenzied state as I realize I have not left myself enough time to get where I am headed. And the whole world except for me is getting the secret text message and its not secret because it's normal. Sigh.

I've lost a lot of grace in this cultural transition and by that I mean two things.

First, I have lost the ease with which I used to navigate American culture and cultural norms like timeliness. Being on time was never a challenge or stress for me before, it just simply was the reality within which I lived. I didn't think about it, I didn't analyze it, I didn't feel burdened by it.

I have, for better or for worse, unlearned how to navigate that expectation of timeliness with comfort and ease. It is no longer second-nature. It is something I have to choose to remember each and every day. It is something that still feels kind of odd and foreign to me. It is something that some days causes me a lot of stress. It makes me a bit of a mess in the daily operating category.

Second, I have wrestled with having grace with myself. I don't think anyone around me has been particularly bothered by my tendency to run late these days. I don't think anyone has been silently thinking, "Well, isn't she always a consistent 5 minutes late to such and such." But I have been. I have been beating myself up for not "having it all together." I have been beating myself up for feeling like I'm always running twelve steps behind, shoving all of my stuff into various bags and running out to my car with wet hair and no make-up.

It has been a challenge for me to sit back and look at the situation and realize that I need to have grace with myself. That I need to stop comparing myself with who I was before and wondering why I can't seem to get my crap together. That maybe it's ok I have lost my ability to be timely. That it's ok for me to not get how to do all of this stuff with ease and normalcy.

My normal is different now and that's ok.