the easter tomb

"Woman," he said, "why are are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?"

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."

-John 20:15

to say my insides have been confused as of late would be an understatement.

it has been an emotionally turbulent....four....three....five months? Or really, shall we just round up and say- 2 years?

do not mistake me. There has been deep, deep joy. I have learned and grown and been stretched and pulled. I have sat in silence, overwhelmed and overtaken by the sheer faithfulness of our Lord and how GOOD he is.

I have also walked valleys, seen dark days (and nights) and wept in the shower more times than I would like to admit. I have learned what it is to pray words of thanksgiving in the hard hours, even as there doesn't feel like there is much to be thankful for (but oh there is).

there has been a lot of learning. and un-learning. and re-learning. and learning together with others.

but little prepares you for transition like the ones I'm in the midst of.

some would probably argue that I can stop claiming I'm in transition. I have been here for almost a month now. I have a living space, a job, no plans to move in the very near future.

but oh have mercy, I'm still in transition.

my heart and mind and soul and body are all sorts of confused. my heart and mind and soul and body are all sorts of still trying to figure out what all of this movement has meant over the past two months. what all of the conversations and changes and decisions and shifts and choices and....all of this huge stuff has meant and does mean.

and I have been wrestling with what it means to not have answers. To be confused.

To come before the Lord and offer him my empty palms, my empty, confused self in need of Him like a hunger I have never known.

To come before him confused and dazed and just barely keeping anything together for longer than a spare second.

And I have felt guilty.

Guilty that I didn't get my internal life ordered enough to partake in Lent in any traditional, standard or disciplined way.

Guilty that I am such a mess when I have been blessed with so many supportive and loving people.

Guilty that I don't always feel like singing joyful hallelujahs about being back in the States.

Guilty that all I keep having to give my King are my tears.

So, as I sat in Easter service this Sunday and listened to the Scriptures being read, tears slipped down my face at the reaction of Mary seeing the risen Christ.

She is weeping. She is a mess. She is devastated. She is confused out-of-her-mind.

This Easter, that was what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that the disciples and the people who followed Christ were confused. That they came before their Lord confused and crying and not at all sure how all of the pieces fit together and He let that be o.k.

This Easter, the empty tomb and the confusion it caused comforted me.

thanks be to the Risen King.