professional dress

4 days until my 6 a.m. flight to the NYC.

Just thinking about how early I'm going to have to awake makes me cringe. That and the thought of trying to somehow look alive and worth hiring by the time I actually make it to the city some 9 hours later.

I decided I finally had to bite the bullet and try on my potential interview outfits this evening. Putting on a suit still makes me feel like I'm 6 again and playing dress up with a princess dress- except it's much less glamorous.

All that to say, it's not remotely close to what I wear on an every day basis. I never wear high heels. I try to avoid having to wear panty hose. And the shoulder pads in suit jackets that are meant to make normally proportioned people look balanced out? They just serve to completely throw short females' proportions completely out of whack. I own one button down shirt, I hate how it fits and I think I've worn it once in three years.

Maybe suits are less for the benefit of the interviewers and more for the interviewee. Maybe putting on a suit will magically make me talk more eloquently, respond more professionally and appear like I'm going to be granted a degree in seven weeks.

Does a suit and a pair of black pumps make it a reality?

sb photos

a few of my favorites from the spring break trip to the 'burgh.







The last week of March approaches...with a slew of schoolwork, the normal activities goodness, some plans to hang out with various friends and the hopeful continuation of all of this excellent spring weather.

a prayer of confession

We've used this one a few times at New Day and it's one of my favorites, if one can have favorite prayers of confession. Perhaps more aptly, it convicts me, it challenges me, it reminds me, it centers me. It is a prayer that resonates with me.

Almighty God,

We confess that we are often swept up in the tide of our generation.
We have failed in our calling to be your holy people, a people set apart for your divine purpose.
We live more in apathy born of fatalism than in passion born of hope.
We are moved more by private ambition than by social justice.
We dream more of privilege and benefits than of service and sacrifice.
We try to speak in your name without relinquishing our glories, without nourishing our souls, without relying wholly on your grace.
Help us to make room in our hearts and lives for you.
Forgive us, revive us, and reshape us in your image.

-written by Lydia S. Martinez, from BOW 479 (which I think is the UMC Book of Worship?)

legal pad

My handwriting fills the yellow pages of the legal pad with its carefully constructed y's and g's- crossed just so. The j's are not quite as neat and the e's sometimes end up looking like i's.

But it fills the page relatively neatly. I am only copying questions on the page, considering how I will answer even more questions about why I am doing this, why I like to think I'm maybe, possibly, in some small way, qualified for this unknown.

The legal pad is my Dad's, one I asked if I could have when I was at home, writing yet another essay for some other life after graduation application. It is neater, nicer, cleaner than the cheap ones I bought for myself. I am listening to a CD my sister burnt for me- full of songs I find I like but yet have no idea who sings them.

I am writing, careful letters, neat sentences. Trying for what seems like the hundredth time to put the uncertain wisps of reasoning and discernment into paragraphs that reveal where I believe I am being led.

cyclic seasons

The dishwasher in my apartment always seems to be full- either full and needing to be run or full, clean and needing to be put away. No matter how often it feels like I have JUST emptied it, it's somehow still awaiting someone to put the dishes away so the dirty dishes in the sink can stop piling up.

The reality is that our dishwasher does not magically re-fill itself with dishes while I am asleep or at work or class. Every day, three times a day, we cook and eat and produce the cups, silverware, bowls and plates that fill it. But I don't pay attention or take notice of those ordinary, everyday routines that accumulate into a full dishwasher. I am, however, forced to pay attention when it's full again and I'm left wondering how that could possibly be possible because there is no where to put my dirty spoon.

I think the same is true in regards to my awareness of living out each moment of my days. I'm constantly thinking "Gosh, how is it possible that it's time for this weekly meeting again. Has a week really already managed to pass since I was here last?" The rhythms of my weeks are marked by these weekly, daily routines- landmarks of time passing me by. I notice because I'm never quite sure how time could have lapsed so quickly.

I fail to pay attention to the smaller things, the unique everyday things, the tiny segments of time that lead me from one weekly rhythm to the next. The walk from class to my car. The conversation with a stranger in the library. The five minute conversation with a friend in between errands. The unexpected phone call.

Recently I've become convinced that these tiny moments are what I want to see. They are the things I want to be the landmarks of my time- not one Wednesday meeting to the next. When I focus on the big things, the things that I notice because they require specific tasks to be finished or decisions to be made or action to be taken, time races by. When I focus on the small daily things, I have the moment in front of me and I'm not constantly looking past it to the next thing that is to come.

I feel the beginning of the end of a season in my life approaching. Every time this happens I'm torn by this tension between the desire to cling to every precious second of what is and the somewhat painful realization that things can and will not ever be the same once it ends.

I've learned that this ending is healthy, good, necessary.
But I'm still not good at it.
Knowing it's coming does not make it easier for me.

So I'm making an effort to not only see the full dishwasher, but the processes, the moments, the in-between things that make this time precious. Because if it has to end- and it does- I want to see every piece of it.


In catch-up news:

-Midterms are this week. I have three, as well as a presentation, so I'll be spending a bit more time than normal studying.

-GBGM officially invited me to interview. (!) I'll be heading to NYC at the beginning of April. I'm hopeful that will translate to a few free hours to wander around Brooklyn and visit some favorite spots.

-Spring Break is next week. I'm ready for the break. Not so sure I'm ready to admit that the semester is half-over.

-Thinking about flying out to Seattle to visit my sis for a weekend.

-Lots of reflection these past few weeks. D and I were talking about freshman year this weekend and I'm glad the journey has led me to where I am now. I wouldn't change anything, but I wouldn't want to go back either.