emptying

"Don't call me Naomi," she told them. "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me."

-Ruth 1:20-21

These words of Naomi's have struck me as I have re-read and reflected on the story of Naomi and Ruth with a dear friend. What does it mean to experience emptying in our own lives?

Sometimes it feels like the Lord scoops everything inside of us out. We feel as if we have been emptied against our will.

And like Naomi, we begin to feel that we have lost our very selves.

"Why call me Naomi?"

In her loss, Naomi feels that she has lost her name, her self. She no longer recognizes herself as who she once was, as who the townspeople once knew her to be.

In our emptiness, we too sometimes feel that we have lost all that we are.

Yet it is not our identity that has been lost, but all of the things that we think we are.

In emptying us, in removing those things that we think we are, the Lord allows us to move towards an understanding of who he has created us to be.

In the emptying, we are invited to let go of our notions of what is and find the truth of what we are being called to.

And so the struggle that Naomi speaks of becomes understanding. The difficult, painful moments and days become the emptying that allows us to truly see.

Living life here, in the midst of a swine flu quarantine, has meant being emptied of expectations and preconceived ideas.

It has meant creating a life here in the reality of the unbelievable cold and the city and the people and the day to day things.

Naomi's questioning of how the journey can lead from fullness to emptiness resonates with me. So often I only remember to pray for fullness when I am empty and forgo praying for emptiness when I am full.

Living life here has meant being emptied of what I think should be, that I might find the reality of God's desires for this time.

Living life here has meant coming to a place where I might pray for that emptying to continue and give thanks for its process upon my heart.

It has meant praying that ministry would flow out of this creation of life here, from the reality of life together and not notions of what is needed or wanted.

For then, in the emptying of my concepts of what mission is, I can be free to serve out of a shared life with my brothers and sisters here.

I am being emptied.

I am learning that blindly doing is not nearly as vital and life-giving as first being present.

"If we can die to the part of us that separates us from others- our individual desires, our self-interests, the attitudes and emotions that build walls around us- and come alive to the part of us that we share in common with others- our human emotions, our capacity for service, our caring for the earth and the things upon it- we can use the self as a way to embrace the world and become one with the hearts of those we meet."

- Pg. 128, Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace: Living in the Spirit of the Prayer of St. Francis, by Kent Nerburn